Grief

My friend Randi passed away yesterday.  I found out last night, thankfully after I had put the kids to bed. I really tried to keep it together today in front of my kids, but this morning I shed tears in their presence.  The Girl looked at me in earnest four-year-old concern, asked why I was sad.

I always want to be strong for my children.  I want to be the one to wipe their tears and hold their hands and offer them comfort.  How beautiful and humbling it is when the comforting comes from them, when one of their little hands rubs my back, when one of their little voices assures me that everything is going to be okay. The Girl gave me a big hug, kissed me on the forehead and said "I love you a lot, and I'm always here." Of course, this caused more tears.

Today I am struggling thinking about Randi's husband and her four daughters navigating through this world without her. She won't be there when they graduate from school, go to prom, get married or have their own children. I learned long ago that life isn't fair, but sometimes I still find myself wanting to yell 'why' as if that would help.
This morning, it helped to cry.  I hugged my girl, tousled her hair, and let her know that she never needs to worry about me.  Silently I prayed that this would be the truth.

PS - I do not plan on blogging again until Monday or Tuesday. I just can't do it right now. I need to take a little time to process things.